Who you should marry based on your birth order. Leman references a study published in the Journal of Marriage and Family that evaluated the relationship quality of business executives and their partners based on birth order combinations. Firstborn-middle child relationships can.
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These traits derive from the unspoken competition between siblings as they fight for a family niche. They tend to be dominant and controlling in relationships.
There are two types of firstborns: The compliants are caregivers, crowd pleasers, team players, and reliable. The aggressive ones are the natural leaders and perfectionists who want things done their way. Although there are two types of middle child—the outgoing and the loner—both still share the common tendency to be good at compromising.
Studies have shown that last born children rate fairly similar to their middle-born counterparts but are also attributed more negative descriptors in keeping with the stereotype of them being spoiled. If the last born came many years after their nearest sibling, though, their experience is more like that of an only child. This kind of blend could be seen a little risky since both are going to fight for dominance. But did you know that Bill and Hilary Clinton are both firstborns? And because of that they were a classic combination of control, self-driven and natural leaders.
This combination may fight over simple things like where to eat, what to eat, what movie to watch since they both want to be always in control but all relationships have this kind of phase—only this combination would feel it more intense since they are not used to compromising.
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Middle children may be good with compromising, which is a good trait for a long-lasting relationships but they are so convenient to be with that being with a firstborn whose personality is usually controlling and dominating could be the cause of lack of self-improvement on the side of the middle child.
At the same time, the middle child can be a vexing paradox. Middle children grow up having to learn to negotiate, mediate, and compromise, but they can also be secretive and play it close to the vest with their emotions. I have found that middle children typically will throw their first-born spouses a bone once in a while without letting them know how they really feel.
Some practical suggestions for first borns married to middles include:. Daily recaps -- at least a recap every few days --are valuable in any marriage, but are particularly useful if one mate tends to be less inclined to share feelings. I know of one couple who did their recapping while discussing the sermon they had heard at church. Discussing their spiritual beliefs and values was a way to open up about feelings that were bothering one or both of them.
According to one study of three thousand families, the odds for a happy marriage increase a great deal when the first born hooks up with the last born. What is at work here is the opposites-attract-and-are-good-for-each-other factor. The first born teaches the last born little things that may be lacking, such as being organized and having goals, while the last born helps the first born lighten up and not take an overly serious approach to life. According to the researchers, the best possible match you can find is the first-born female and the last-born male.
I took no part in this research so I can't be accused of making this claim because that happens to be the match Sande, my first-born wife, and I have. I'm just very thankful it happened. First-born females are often mothering types and last-born males often need mothering.
I started out being fortunate to be the last-born brother of my first-born sister, Sally. Eight years older than I, she mothered me quite a bit and taught me a lot about women. For example, she taught me that girls don't like being approached by a bunch of boys who are show-offs--pushing each other, talking loudly, and doing stupid things that guys often do. Sally also told me girls want a guy who is tender, understanding, and a listener, who realizes manners have not gone out of style.
Most marriage counselors agree that men do not understand women very well. So any extra learning a boy can get while growing up is going to help him later when he has a wife and family of his own. Of course in my case, I certainly didn't come into our marriage a finished product. I still needed some work, and Mama Bear was happy to oblige. It may be a good rule of thumb to say any combination of first born and last born has a better chance for marital success than do other combinations, but success doesn't follow automatically.
Good marriages are made, not born. Two people must work together on being considerate, caring, and mutually supportive. Naturally the Cub took advantage of his new caregiver. Sande had to put up with my fussy eating habits and picking up my clothes after me wherever I dropped them. This went on through the early years of our marriage.
One day, while I was working on my doctorate, Sande heard me expostulating on how to discipline children and hold them accountable for their actions. If holding children accountable for their actions is good, holding a husband accountable might be even better, Sande thought.
She went into action. Soon I found my little piles of clothing where I had left them. In no time the apartment became covered with my piles. Then came the day when I could not open the door because Sande had shoved a giant stack of my clothes against it to make room for whatever she was doing. That got my attention.
What Your Birth Order Can Tell You About Your Love Life
Sande and I had a long overdue talk and shared our feelings. You learn to pick up your own clothes and put them where they belong. Also, I'm going to fix different things for dinner. I expect you to at least try some new dishes. You owe that much to yourself and to our children--if you want to be the good role model you keep talking about. Learning to pick up my clothes and eating different foods was just a start as Cubby Bear learned how to grow up and become Papa Bear.
One of the best bits of wisdom I ever received concerning marriage came from Dr. An only child, Dr.
Dobson is scholarly, organized, conscientious, and reliable. So one day while Sande and I were having lunch with him, I asked, "Jim, if there was one bit of advice you could give me, what would it be? He glanced at Sande and then back at me and said without hesitating, "Kevin, before you do anything, whatever it is , run it by Sande first.
Dobson's advice applies to any birth-order marriage match, but it especially applied to the last-born Cub and Mama Bear!
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I said to myself, If an only child with Jim Dobson's credentials thinks that's a good idea, then I do too! I've tried to follow his advice ever since and it has always paid off. As we have seen, two married middle children will probably not communicate well. They tend to feel it isn't worth the hassle to confront each other.
How Your Birth Order Affects Your Romantic Relationships | Thought Catalog
They may also discount the value of their own opinions. These attitudes are typical of middle children. One simple little device that I have used with great success when counseling a middle married to a middle is the suggestion bowl. Place a clear bowl or jar in a prominent place where both of you can see it and deposit in it your suggestions. Keep pads of paper and pencils or pens handy. The husband should use one color of paper; the wife another.
When the husband wants to tell his wife something, he writes a suggestion on his pad and drops it into the bowl. And when the wife wants to give hubby a suggestion, she does the same. Some spouses--particularly men--think the suggestion bowl is too much of a crutch, but I talk them into trying it anyway because, the fact is, some of us simply can't look our mate in the eye and tell him or her what is on our mind. Some other tips to keep the middle-child marriage healthy include:. According to birth order studies, middle children and last borns rank right up there as potentially successful pairings for marriage.
The middle child, typically strong in negotiating and compromising, pairs up well with a socially outgoing baby of the family.